| one.
Just so you know, I've lost my mind. Utterly && completely lost my mind. I'm attached and it will hurt in the longrun. Only because that's the only thing that can possibly happen. It's the only known outcome of every attachment.
I sat across from the mirror, starring at the tearstained reflection. I promised myself never again will I put myself in that type of situation. Never again will I care, nor feel, for his cuban accent && shaking hips. I told myself just to ignore it. Ignore the way he pronounced my name with a rolled 'r'. Ignore the way he would smile. Ignore it, the way he ignored you. But did I? Of course not. I was stuck wondering, as he went off with the blonde 8th grade. I told myself to just close my eyes && ignore it. Why is this time any different?
Why is it somehow I'm in the same position I was in in 7th grade? Have I completely lost my mind? Am I some type of idiot? Have I all of a sudden turned into one of those girls who draws hearts in the paper's margin? The type that already knows that my wedding dress will be beige and not white? Am I one of those girls who knows the first and middle name of her children? No, I'm not. Not yet. I never will be. Because from now on, I am no longer able to feel. I don't care what you say, I'll be like a stone. No longer will my mission in life be for him to actually wave at me for a change. Not for him to walk past me. I won't ave to worry about any of that anymore. I won't have to worry about if it's him calling or not. It never is, anyways. I'm just left to think why it's always me to get hurt in any situation I'm put in.
And then he comes along, just like the first. Again, I tell myself to ignore it, ignore him.
But this time I'm in trouble. This time I'm up for more pain than I've ever imagined. If I would have just listened to myself earlier, I wouldn't be in this situation. I'm far worse than what I was, what I said, and whatever I did feel. Only this time, I don't know what to do. I don't know when it started, why it started, but it did. And I have nobody to go to. I feel absolutely alone in this. This is a dirty, dirty game we play. This feeling is indescribable, but almost every word fits. I swear. It totally distracts me and every sweet thing that happens, I'm happy.
&&I hate it.
two.
Why are you crying, Nita. It's because you're weak and can't handle anything. I'm a screw up, my life is going nowhere. She actually got invited to a science camp. He actually got accepted into modeling. And then theres me who without a doubt, scored a 78 on my history midterm. What do I have planned for tomorrow? I don't know, I don't really care. I should just quit. You guys, I want to go home. I'm not talking anywhere near Jersey. I need my real friends, my true friends, back home. They don't care if I say "ya'll" when I'm mad. Hell, half of them say "ya'll" regularly. I belong in Texas/Louisiana. Not Jersey. I hate how I'm crying over this. I hate myself. I feel so foriegn here. Who am I supose to turn to here? One of my four friends, wow. I'm stopping and I'm never going to finish this.
|
